Treat him like a child
Annette Lareau found that treating
your kid like a child makes them feel, even as they get older, that you don’t
think they are capable of thinking and acting like an adult. You may think,
“When little Joey is an adult, I will treat him like one”. But all little Joey
knows is that YOU think HE is not capable. Research shows that children who get
more respect as a child, not only expect to be respected but show genuine
respect as well. Instead of saying, “You can’t play with that because you’ll
break it” try saying, “Let’s play with this other toy because it won’t break as
easily”
Rub in mistakes
We all make mistakes. Feeling
guilt and damaged pride is a normal thing. It is not something we create by
belittling each other. Belittling actually encourages us to defend our actions
and resent the attacker.
What I try to do is calmly and
friendly ask questions to see if my child understands the consequences of his
actions: “How do you think Suzie felt when you knocked her down? What could we
do to avoid it from happening again?” Remember if we teach them HOW to THINK
through these situations, we won’t have to always jump in after to remind them
WHAT they should have DONE.
Change the rules without notice
Remember last week when that cop
pulled you over and gave you a ticket because you were wearing a red shirt? No,
you don’t. Because we don’t get in trouble for rules that are made up on a
whim. We are given rules ahead of time and a choice to break them. If I get a
ticket for speeding it’s because I was trying to get away with speeding, even
though I knew I was breaking a rule.
The truth is that we can’t feel
comfortable in a space where we don’t know the rules because without them
punishments seems random and without cause. You can’t be successful if you
don’t know the rules because how can you meet expectations if you don’t know
them? How can our children feel comfortable around us if we don’t clearly
communicate our what we expect from them?
“It is common knowledge to not
interrupt people when they’re talking!” Um. Actually it’s not. I don’t know
about your babies, but mine sure don’t come out knowing that they shouldn't cry
when I’m in the middle of a conversation. (Wouldn’t that be nice!) We only know
that because someone taught us. Try instead to give them a warning that
includes the rule “Sugar Pie Honey Doll, when someone is talking it’s polite to
wait until a break in the conversation to ask for a turn.”
Be boring
Let’s face it. We like to have fun. Do I really expect my children to WANT to be around me if I can’t have fun? So, laugh with them. Be interested in what they’re interested in. Do something together that THEY chose. I don’t want my kids to be forced to find “fun” in dangerous places because they don’t find it at home. And remember, you may be having fun on your phone but from your child’s prospective, the phone is more fun than they are and they’ll look forward to the day when they can ignore you while on their phone.
Be boring
Let’s face it. We like to have fun. Do I really expect my children to WANT to be around me if I can’t have fun? So, laugh with them. Be interested in what they’re interested in. Do something together that THEY chose. I don’t want my kids to be forced to find “fun” in dangerous places because they don’t find it at home. And remember, you may be having fun on your phone but from your child’s prospective, the phone is more fun than they are and they’ll look forward to the day when they can ignore you while on their phone.
Not only are we made aware of the
rules that we must follow, we also understand general consequences. And believe
it or not, breaking rules is part of our everyday life. It’s called risk vs.
reward. I choose to speed when on my way to the emergency room because the
reward of making sure my child lives is greater than the risk of a $100 ticket.
We do this in small things as well. No bathroom break during class? No running
at the pool? Don’t be late for work? I have broken all of these rules and I did
it because I was between a rock and a hard place and I knew the risk of
breaking the rule and chose it. I would argue that SUCCESSFUL people know WHEN to
choose to break a rule and HOW to accept the consequences that follow.
Here is the problem: We have a
hard time giving consequences without mixing in a poison—emotion. Your child
WILL choose to break rules. He will choose to play instead of cleaning his
room. Not because he is a horrible child. Not because he doesn’t love you. But
because he has evaluated the risk and the reward and he is choosing to risk it.
When we tie negative emotion to cleaning a dirty room, driving, etc, we have a
hard time ever approaching those tasks without anxiety.
Instead, I try to make
consequences known and if they choose to break the rule they get the
consequence. Period. “Johnny, I’ve asked you 3 times to take the trash out. If
it’s not done tonight, I’m going to take away a privilege.” (Now reread that
quote without sarcasm.) Although, I do believe it helps to say things like, “We
all have a job. My job is to cook you meals. Are you glad that I do my job? I
would also appreciate it if you did your job.” And if Johnny doesn’t take out
that trash, then HE is choosing his own consequence. It has nothing to do with
your personal relationship.
Treat him like a slave
I realize the weight of the words
I chose here, which is why I chose them carefully. Yesterday I sat in front of
a family at an event a family, like mine, with two young sons. The mother and
father treated them like slaves. The disdain in their voices as they told the
boys repeatedly to “Sit down and Shut up!” “You are rude and annoying! Now, get
away from me!” I can’t even imagine saying those things to a dog, much less to
an impressionable human child that I am in charge of protecting from the bad in
the world. The thing is, the boys weren't even doing anything bad or wrong. To
ask, “Dad, can I sit on your lap?” and be treated like that. I can hardly
contain my sadness. I admit, I have come close to saying things like this maybe
twice EVER when I was incredibly overwhelmed by screaming and crying. But to be
in a calm, family environment where your kids are only asking to sit on your
lap or get a smile from you…I don’t even want to imagine what goes on in that
home.
I’m going to believe that most
families are not like that. I’ll choose to believe that we know how important
our job is as parents. That we play such an important role in our children’s
lives: the role of painting the world.
Another way we can not treat them
like our property is by asking instead of demanding. How we talk to our children, is
how they learn to talk to each other and THEMSELVES. As an adult, do you still
have trouble getting your mother’s voice out of your head? I have found,
through personal experience that the FEELINGS and WORDS that we use to handle
situations in the home with our young children, are stored away to be used over
and over again in the minds of our children as they face similar situations
throughout their lives. (“We are the narrator of our children’s minds” More on
this in a later post)
Always disagree with him
“Your shoes are so cute!”
“No they’re not”
“I am so disappointed in them”
“No. You love them”
As annoying as that is, don’t we
do that to our children? “This ball is SO BIG” “No, it’s small” “I hate her!”
“You don’t hate her” There is a better way to guide our children through their
thought processes without invalidating everything they say.
As part of an improv group, I
learned a technique called “Yes, and…” wherein you guide the conversation in a
new direction without discrediting what has already been said. I use that with
my children. “Mom, I’m going to draw a picture for you on the table.” And
instead of responding, “Don’t you draw on that table Addicus Jake Winter or you
are going to time out!” I say “For me?! Why don’t you use your really cool Elmo
coloring book? I would love that.” I
find something good in the statement and add something else to it. If I can’t
do that then I ask for more information; “Do you say you hate her because she
took your truck? You can also say, ‘That made me really mad’” I find that
giving children a better way to communicate hard feelings means fewer tantrums.
This leads me to the next point.
Misunderstand him
A common phrase I remember saying
and hearing as a teenager was, “My friends ‘get’ me”. As a parent, I hope that
if anyone makes my child feel understood, it is me. After all, I have spent the
most time with him and put the most energy into his happiness. But good
relationships are not just about understanding or caring for someone. They are
about making sure that person FEELS understood and cared about. (Gottman) It is
an understatement to say that we care about our children. But what are we doing
on a daily basis to make sure they feel it? “This is an awesome picture! Tell
me about what you drew.” “What was your favorite part about today? Yeah? Is
this the same girl you liked last year?” I like to stick in some teaching here
in the form of personal stories, “Yeah, even though there were a lot of guys
that I really liked, I’m really glad I didn’t let things get too physical”
(These are some of the most memorable learning moments from my childhood, even
if they were in the form of, “I wish I hadn’t…”) Honesty means relatability. I
believe THAT is why teenagers love their friends, because they share relatable
experiences.
If mapquest tells me that I can
get to Target in 5 minutes, I’m a lot less inclined to believe it if it doesn't
acknowledge where I am. You show me that you understand exactly where I am and
I’ll be much more inclined to believe that you can lead me to where I want to
go.
Blame him for his handicaps
My almost 2 year old is getting
really good at throwing fits. I don’t worry. I know that EVERY child throws
fits and no matter what I do, he will still go through this phase. But I also
know that it is my job to let him know what is and what isn’t appropriate. I
can ignore inappropriate behavior and reward good behavior with my attention.
I don’t necessarily believe in
coddling but I do believe in giving him plenty opportunities to be successful.
“Darren, do you want a hug?” If I get screams and hitting, I simply walk away
and try again in a minute or so. “Darren, would you like some water?” I will
continue that pattern, offering him appropriate options (not candy just to shut
him up), until he has calmed himself enough to accept my help. I offer lots of
attention as praise for him using his words appropriately.
Yell at him
I cannot tell you the last time I
was yelled at. Why? Because adults—mature ones in my opinion—do not yell at
each other. But I definitely remember that being yelled at is REALLY not fun.
And I get it. Parenting is so INCREDIBLY hard. Kids never give you your space
and they always want something from you. But someday when my boys are teenagers
they will say the same of me. So, if I yell now I am saying, “Throwing a fit is
TOTALLY appropriate and you can continue them until you’re my age. I sure have!”
It helps to know that if I am yelling, it means I have lost control. My action
means my responsibility.
One thing that I’ve found incredibly
helpful is taking a break. Professor John Gottman, a well-known researcher of
family relationships, found that it takes about 20 minutes for our heart rates
to return to normal after a confrontation. So in my house you can regularly
hear, “I’m frustrated! I love you! I’ll be back in 20 minutes!” I close and
lock the door. Most days I get by with less but if I need it, hey! I figure we
are all better off if my kids are unraveling the toilet paper and jumping off
the couch for 10 minutes, rather than me yelling all day. (I’d suggest child
proofing your house before using this technique) We are all better for it in
the end.
